Andromeda

By Ximena B.

“Andromeda, that’s what you can call me, please.” This was a little speech I created in my mind for everyone who asked my name. Of course, my “real” name remains a mystery to them. I find that people are quite amused by me, maybe because of my shaved head or the fact that I make my own clothes and tiny matching clothes for the doll I carry with me everywhere.

My life has been a daily cycle for four of these adult life years. I would wake up and pick out mine and Bootes clothes. Most of the time it would be something I sewed or knit together the day before. We would go to our local cafe and order a chocolate croissant with an espresso. Then I would sit there for a while and design new clothes ideas to then make when I got home. I enjoyed going to all types of shops and stores in search of new materials for clothes-making, but I tried to limit myself and not go crazy with colorful yarns and fabrics because I was trying to save up money for a house. Once I got home I would be just in time for lunch and cooking always got me excited. After eating, I tried to use up all the precious clothes making time as well as I could before I had to go to work. The worst part of my day was going to work. I worked as a saleswoman in a company and it was the most boring thing in the world. I just had to sit there for hours making calls and saying my lines, but I don’t like complaining about it because it gives me time and money to do what I love. See, I have loved my life these past years, and it was truly amazing. I never wanted it to change, not the way it did.

But here I am standing in front of the fire, skin burning terribly, lungs aching so much I think they could just give out on me in any moment. I just wish I could turn back time and go back to my life, my perfect cycle of a life, where every day was the same and everything was perfect. Tears start running down my face as I realize what I have just lost, and how nothing would be the same ever again. It’s kind of funny how in just one day you could lose control over everything. Not only had everything around me exploded, but so had I. I didn’t even realize how much explosive was in me till it was burning my face and surrounding me in heat. The truth is, as perfect as these four years have been, deep down I know I‘ve been hiding, hiding behind a perfectly planned out day that I would repeat for four years just for a small sense of control in my daily life. I have been hiding behind clothes and stupid quirky habits, hiding behind a name: Andromeda. The name I asked people to call me all the time, the name that made me feel different and separated from my past life in which no control was ever given to me. With this name I was someone else, and I knew that with it I was hiding who I had been. If I had been braver and more honest four years ago when I had the chance to do it right, this wouldn’t have happened at all, but I just ran away from everything and everyone for years and acted like I was clueless about it, and I wasted my time. Now, I’ve paid the price.

Saying Goodbye to the Peacemaker

They were more surprised about my outburst and the fire that it caused than I was. They did always see me as a peacemaker, and I truly was a peacemaker. I always kept quiet about my struggles and about all the things that angered me about the life I was having with them. I guess I always prefered sacrificing my own peace for theirs. It didn’t work. All those years of taking the blame and of holding back the tears, I thought I could keep them under control forever. At least I did leave. At least for those four years that I was by myself I still had someone to talk to. I was more quiet with them than when I was alone with Bootes.

Bootes. What a silly thing. How could a doll be a better listener than my own family? Oh, how I miss the simple days when I was alone with my doll and I would tell her how I felt and what was worrying me, without questioning how odd it was. I didn’t realize that it didn’t count because I wasn’t really venting to the people that I had to vent to. My biggest fear has always been letting my family know how I felt all those years and how much I let them control me. How much I was letting them use me as a peacemaker and not as a member of the family who also had feelings and worried about things. I should have spoken to them since it all started. Why did I care so much for everyone else? Why did I lie to them, making them believe that blaming me for everything was fine by me? Now I actually am the one to blame, and I still don’t know if I’ve stopped being a peacemaker. Even though my biggest fear came true and everything turned out worse than I imagined (there was a whole fire), I still feel like I have not overcome it.

And once again I am alone paying the price and taking the blame. Once again I lost. Except it’s far worse because I know what I did and I know that I’ve been hiding so the loss is much more painful than when I was lying to myself. The loss is very clear and burned into my brain. I honestly wish I had Bootes and my silly little life again so that maybe I could pretend nothing happened and everything was fine like I used to do. But maybe this loneliness is a good thing. Maybe I can turn this loss into a win and leave the old “peacemaker Andromeda” in the past.

I wonder If it’s possible for me to change the way I let others treat me and stand up for myself in ways I never thought I could. Are people built a certain way and have to live with that forever? Either way I’ll try to do it. I’ll at least give it a shot. I’m sick of being a carpet on the floor for people to walk all over. I am going to stand up and be the Andromeda I never thought I could be. But…how? Where do I start? I need to think and really take time because I am starting to get overwhelmed, and I am trying to avoid anything close to stress or even a panic attack. I’ll go buy yarn because I still have money in my bank account and I will crochet a little bit in a park. Too bad I don’t have Bootes, I could make something for us. This is going to be a very hard journey. And I’m all alone throughout it.